Introducing Tristan and my new found ANGER for doctors and endo

HELLOOOOOO ENDO SISTERS and everyone else. lol! ;-P

This will mostly be a RE-introduction of myself, and a lot of venting.

It's been a long time, and honestly I didn't think I'd be back to blogging about endo, again.  When I first started blogging about it, I was trying for a baby and LONGING for motherhood.  It felt like I was constantly failing as a wife because I couldn't give my husband a baby.  Then after letting go of all my worry and started focusing on my relationship with God instead of having baby on the brain 24/7, we FINALLY succeeded after lapro surgery and lupron treatment.

  I now have a one year old son named Tristan James.  He is SO beautiful, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom.  I mean, this kid could model. LOL!  We were told it would not be easy to have a baby, if at all.  But God surprised us with him.

See!!  I told you he was beautiful.
Yes, this is really my son. No, it's not a stolen image. lol

It was a pretty smooth pregnancy.  Okay, just the 2nd trimester.  I threw up everything everyday of the 1st trimester and lost 12lbs.  I had to get fluids via IV a few times due to dehydration and there were a couple of scares with cramps and spotting.  It all seemed to ease away in the 2nd trimester.  It was all great until the 3rd with the braxton hicks started.  I did have twinges and painful moments throughout the whole pregnancy, near where my endo was left, but nothing horrible.  The last few weeks my sciatica got worse and I was ready to pop that boy OUT!! He hurt me when he kicked and would plank in my belly, making me look seriously warped.  And he'd move a ton anytime I tried to relax.  I understand why, but every time I sat down for a little while in public and I had to listen to the same comments when my belly came to life and moved wildly.  I thought my pregnancy would never end.  He was two weeks late.  Took his sweet time.  20 hours of labor, a horrific upward tear, and on the edge of passing out, my miracle, my angel, my sweetest blessing was born.  8lbs 1oz 21.5in.  BEST DAY EVER!  Granted the midwife chick (I don't know exactly who or what she was) was fun and sweet, but I don't think she knew what she was doing.  She pushed everything to go so fast, didn't exactly stitch me up right, and pulled the placenta out without letting it naturally come out.  My husband has delivered a baby before down range, he's a medic, and a certified EMT.  When his face went white and asked if that much blood was normal, I knew they did something wrong.  BUT I'm alive, my son's here, and we are a happy family!

I love my little family!
(Left to Right: Caliber, CJ, Me, Tristan, Sheeba)

My son turned one on 3 March 2014.  It was a Jake and the Neverland Pirates themed party.  He loves that show and dances to the music all the time.  So stinkin cute!!  My husband deployed soon after.  He left on the 11th of March, so it's just me and Tristan ..... and the two dogs, Sheeba and Caliber.  They, Sheeba and Caliber, got me through the first deployment in 2010.  At least, now I have Tristan, who is SO much like his daddy.  Which is sometimes a blessing and a curse. HAHA!  

He is so loving though.  I relied on my husband a LOT after Tristan was born because my endo seemed to have gotten worse.  Though some doctors told me it would improve after having a baby.  Well, boy were they wrong.  I see that now even when I look at testimonies in different endo support groups.  A LOT of women have gotten worse after having babies.  Not all, but a lot, and I'm one of them.  I have been put on multiple kinds of BC pills and finally told them we needed a different plan of action because it wasn't doing squat for me! 

 My current OBGYN told me that the BEST plan of action for me is LUPRON.  Like a good patient I listened and she put me on the Lupron that lasts 3 months instead of every month.  BIG MISTAKE!!!  After the shot I bled heavily for a month straight!  And the pain is ridiculous!  My OBGYN that did my lapro surgery back in Dec 2011, discovered the endo, left the endo that was on my bowel and bladder because since there wasn't a GI surgeon there she didn't have the expertise to touch it.  SO, inevitably, it grew, so I assume, and has gotten considerably worse.

EVERY time I eat I end up in SO much pain after my food has started to digest.  My BM are so irregular.  I'm either slightly to horribly constipated or I have awful diarrhea.  I mean the kind where you are walking along feeling a few cramps then BOOM you have to stop dead in your tracks and clench your buttocks like you're trying to hold in the apocalypse from reeking havoc all over the back side of your pants!  Luckily, each of those times I've been close to a toilet.  When I walk out I look like a horse that was rode hard and put up wet.

What bothers me MOST about this is that my son isn't getting the most out of me as he should.  I push through a lot of my pain so I can take care of my son.  Sometimes though, the pain is so intense that I end up on the floor rolling, trying to find that right position to help ease even an ounce of pain.  In those times, it's like my son understands and just walks up to me and either lays on me, beside me, or hugs my face.  Like I said, he's the sweetest and most loving baby I've ever seen.  He is pretty gentle when he senses I'm in pain or having an "off" day.  Any other time, he's head butting me.  If I'm in my recliner, he'll walk up and head butt my knee, if I'm lying on my belly, he'll head butt my back, and if I'm holding him, he grabs my face and pulls me until I'm looking him eye to eye and head butts my forehead.  LOL!  One of his father's traits when he was that age, so I've been told.

I've made another appointment with my OBGYN for the 14th of May, the earliest they had.  I made it a month ago.  I've called multiple times between, including a couple days ago and left messages for her, and never received a call back.  Sometimes military medicine can be so freagin frustrating.  The doctors aren't as compassionate or caring because they don't get paid by the treatments and procedures like most Doctors do in the civilian world.  My OBGYN wants me to have a total hysterectomy but since we want to try for one more baby when he gets back is why she put me on Lupron.  I begged her in a phone message to look at a different treatment plan for me, but a message she had a nurse relay back to me is and I quote, "Since you were TRUELY diagnosed with severe Endo through surgery, this is the best and ONLY treatment for you."  I'm stuck, y'all.  I can't afford to see a civilian endo specialist and the army doesn't have any such specialist.

The plan she laid out for me was lupron, try for baby when husband gets home, if I get pregnant and have the baby then she would wait 6 months then have me get a hysterectomy.

Some plan.  I asked her if I could have a c-section with my next baby.  I told her my experience and how bad of a tear I had (stage 3 or 4 I don't quite remember at the moment.  I'm exhausted while I type this so forgive me) and that I don't want to tear like that again because of what I went through afterwards.  She said that she STRONGLY suggest I have another vaginal anyways and that you don't tear as bad the second time around and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Not true and don't bullshit me to get what you want me to do.  Excuse my language.  My mom had three kids.  Each time she tore a little worse.  I was the last one, and biggest, and she tore top to bottom.  Hole to hole.  Sorry mom.  A couple weeks later she had a prolapsed uterus and had to have a partial hysterectomy.  Just her uterus and cervix.  I may not have torn top to bottom, but I tore way up.  I tore passed my urethra.  Needless to say it took a while for me to get to where I didn't release my whole bladder while standing up.  Plus, when they stitched me up, she rushed through it and .... well, lets just say my new nickname for my parts is Scarface. LOL!  Plus, while pushing my son's heart rate kept dropping dangerously low.  I don't want to go through that again.  I'd rather skip the stress, have a c-section and deal with the recovery.  I already have plenty of scars on my belly (no stretch marks, just lapro scars), so a c-section scar is the lest of my worries.

I guess what I'm saying is for ONCE, I want things to go how I plan them NOT how the doctor sees convenient for them.  I'm tired of being told that "these are your only options" and "you're stuck with this until menopause."  I try to research answers and different treatments on my own, but there is so much BS on the internet that I honestly can't tell what's true and what's posted by some psycho self treating bimbo.  Sorry, some of them have been quite rude to any questions I had about some things they talked about.  I'm just looking for answers and for ways to ease my pain without taking narcotics.  I am on ZERO pain killers because I don't want to become a junkie and I don't want to be fog headed while trying to care for my son.  I am being the best mom I can to him, which to me isn't enough.  i want to take him on walks to the park and to the zoo.  I want to take him sight seeing and to explore the outside world.  Granted being in CO it keeps randomly snowing like it is right now, but on the days that are gorgeous, I want to take advantage of those.  Sometimes I do and I'm crouched while walking because I start to hurt.  I get weird looks, but I just keep telling myself, "Your doing this for your son.  Keep going."  

My quality of life, right now, is not what a 27 year old's life should be and it's affecting my son's life and that's what pisses me off the most.  If you look at me when I'm with my son, you'd never know there was something wrong because I do try to hide most of it from him.  I want him to see a happy mommy full of fun and love.  Just sometimes, even I can't hide it from him.  Usually those are the times I'm on the floor, but I'll make a game out of it so he doesn't worry.  Yeah, I know he's only one, but he's so aware of everything already.  He's so smart and I'm so proud of him.  He surprises me every day with something new he's figured out.  He's my whole world and while daddy's deployed, he keeps me smiling and laughing.  I survive because of my son.  Everything I do is for him.  I may not be able to have a great quality of life, but I'll be damned if Endo keeps me from giving my son an amazing one.

I dream of one day being completely pain free and full of energy and enjoying my family.  I pray they find a cure for me and my endo sisters out there.  Until then, God Bless pajama pants!

-Ashley